My day started off decently, but slowly went downward. I was somewhat lonely because Vicky wasn't there. Also, Firefox 1.0 is coming out tomorrow!
Before school, no one was in the student center, which really baffled me. I went to first period early and read for 15 minutes.
After Japanese, one of Vicky's friends was wondering where she was. We both guessed that she was sick.
P.E. was really laid back, since we just talked about a project. The best P.E. class ever.
The guy that sits next to me started calling me 'stupid' and such because I questioned some things and thought about them in different ways at times. I got pretty annoyed by this and requested a seat change.
During lunch, I sat with one of my friends and ate. I also called Vicky to see how she was doing at home.
After school, I didn't do much eventually, I got so bored from not having much homework that I watched TV for a long while. I also talked to my ex from the beginning of the school year, yet didn't learn much. Late in the evening, I got into deep thought and wrote this speech:
Neil E. Hodges
I have been bothered by many people within this school that dislike me greatly. One question lingers within my mind, "Why?" What have I ever done to you people? What has caused to do dislike my thoughts and self in such a way?
- Is it that I'm different than most? Well, variance is good. If we were all the same, we wouldn't be humans. I just try to ponder upon things that most minds don't tread upon. We all accept things as-is without question. I just feel as if there's something we're all missing because of this.
- Is it that my interests differ? As previously stated, having variance is good. Without it, we wouldn't have nearly as many clubs. I just feel like being the same is unneeded, and if you feel differently, just swallow your thoughts. I like electronics. I'm prepared for the future. I don't dwell in the past like many. If you ridicule me over this, you are basically recrationay. I like Japanese more than English. If there's something wrong about that to you, you could be considered racist. No two people are alike, and neither are there interests.
- Is it because of my varying emotions? Well, a bit of hyper-ness every now and then is good. It keeps things from getting boring. Some people may be bothered this, but only because they think that most people are bothered by it. As a result of the past couple years, I've also become depressed. I can't help this, due to a chemical imbalance. If you can't stand this, just go off on your own instead of dwelling upon my problems. You have your own problems to deal with.
- Is it because of my social inexperience? This also cannot be helped. So many people have ridiculed me that it took me much time to find any real friends. If you would've given me a chance in the first place, I would've gotten a chance to become more socially mature.
If the first three of the above are correct, you are just a conformist, or quite possible arrogant. A conformist is one who would always stick to the crowd. They'd go with mainstream only, and consider all people outside of this area as 'weird'. Someone that is arrogant believes that they are perfect. They see that all other people are bad in most ways, and they're acts are even worse. They are true that people are imperfect, but are incorrect of their self-imposed 'Godliness'. All humans make mistakes, and they aren't an exception, despite what they believe.
- The people that accept me are able to. It's as simple as that. They are open-minded enough to be friendly to someone as far out of the mainstream as me.
- The people that actually understand me are very rare. They can see the state of depression that I am in and can try to help. They accept my ways and myself, like people should. They are kind enough to give me a boost in self-confidence until someone else knocks it down. I couldn't live without these people.
Due to these above problems that are mainly a problem with people, I shall be transferring out of Bothell High School and into Inglemoor High School. The people at this new school have yet to know me, and cannot criticize me. I shall build a new image, where I can be accepted. This may force me to bury my current self away, but it's the only way to true happiness for me.
As I went to bed, I thought a bit more, writing this:
A thought has crossed my mind a few times: Vicky and myself aren't perfect together. Of course no relationships are perfect. Still, I feel as if there are better matches between us. My mind has drifted to my best friend a few times. Here are a few things that I have thought more about:
- She is caring to no end and seems to know what she is doing. Vicky does care, but doesn't really show it as well, most likely from a lack of experience.
- She knows how to how to help me so much, and is willing to do so. She just keeps prying into me as she tries to find out more. When I tell Vicky my problems, she just responds, "Sorry."
- She needs help, which I really want to provide. I like to help her with her problems when possible, and to listen when I can't help. Vicky never tells me what's bothering her, which makes me wonder.
I think that my friend and I may have a good chance together, but I am held from finding out by these reasons:
- It's very immoral to breakup with someone to just seek someone else. People would hate me for that.
- I do have feeling for Vicky, and I don't want to see her hurt. Also, I don't want to hurt myself by it.
I'm being held from finding out something that'd most likely calm me by moral reasons. I don't know what to do. I don't think I should breakup with Vicky, since the relationship has true potential. We both say that it will grow, but it has been doing so at a painstakingly slow pace. I'll be gone from her school life in a couple months, so we don't have much time to spend together.